When things start bothering me more than usual, that’s when I know a breakthrough is on the way. A shift is about to occur and the only way it’ll happen smoothly and successfully is if I acknowledge it, accept it and surrender to it.
We as humans have a habit of being offended by the actions and words of other people, even if those actions are not directed to us or about us. However, even if they are directed to us or about us, there comes a point where being offended can go two ways: either this person is being malicious and you react out of defense, or this person has struck a nerve and you react out of denial. And denial can be a dangerous drug. Old habits die hard.
Just recently I had a bit of a relapse.
I take my growth and self-evolution very seriously so, it’s needless to say that I was extremely disappointed in myself for engaging in this old behavior of mine. I had a bad habit of reacting first then thinking about everything later. It was exhausting to say the least. It always left me feeling very silly and pretty embarrassed.
The beginning of unlearning unhealthy behavior and eliminating toxic patterns from our lives is admitting that these behaviors and patterns exist. I acknowledged my own issues years ago. This year, I was much more firm with myself and my choices. I now love myself too much to be self-destructive like I was once upon a time.
I will not disclose the details of the situation, but I will share what I took from the situation. I learned that, of course, I still have a lot of work to do. I need to work harder on processing my feelings, thoughts, as well as the situations I put myself in before responding to situations/people, eliminating things that I know do not resonate with me and are not in alignment with my highest good and setting boundaries, remaining grounded in myself when everything around me is out of order and not letting anything or anyone throw me off, and not attaching myself to the outcomes of a situation and the actions of other people. I plan to actively monitor these habits and transform them into something positive and progressive.
As a young girl, I was very impulsive. I moved completely on emotion and it was loud, expressive and sometimes very overwhelming depending on who you asked. I got myself into a lot of ridiculous situations because I didn’t take the time to process my feelings, my thoughts and the situation. I just wanted to react. I just wanted the other person to know how I felt. I just wanted to express myself with no filter. If my boyfriend took too long to respond, I automatically assumed he hated me or was having an orgy with 8 women. If someone said something I didn’t like, I would be on my “fuck you” shit instead of processing why I was so angry and talking to them like a human. I just reacted to things so harshly and it was a horrible habit. I didn’t allow myself time to sleep on anything. I didn’t give myself time to think things through and ask the important questions. The important questions were: “What are you upset? What exactly is triggering you? Are you mad at this person/situation or are you mad at yourself?” I was very impatient, especially with myself.
After working at a church in 2009 and 2010, I learned about the effectiveness of prayer. Now, I am not a religious person and I do not care to go to church for my own personal reasons. However, working at this church and the circumstances that followed really taught me about faith. I learned a lot about patience, which is necessary to have when you have faith in anything. So, that’s what I wanted. I learned that patience is the basis of manifestation and faith. I knew I couldn’t enjoy anything, learn anything, appreciate anything or understand anything if I didn’t have the patience. So, I pray for patience constantly and I have been doing so since 2009. So, if I have one thing, it’s patience. If I don’t have patience in the moment, I eventually gain it. The Universe is always testing my prayers—“Do you really want patience? How far will you go to master it? How serious are you?”—and I used to hate it. It is true when they say: ask and you shall receive.
Some things require patience then there are other things that don’t even deserve your attention and energy. That’s when you practice your power of discernment, because we all have that power. Discernment is something else I learned from working in that church. Discernment is how I knew to step back and examine my reaction to the situation that occurred. Patience is the reason I’m willing to look at myself so carefully, no matter how much time and effort it takes.
If you want manifest positive change, you have to be willing to do the work. I am willing to be patient so I can process my feelings, my thoughts and the situation. I will be patience with myself, others and the circumstances. Sometimes we jump the gun because we’re only thinking with our ego. We don’t see the bigger picture because we are so wrapped up in the initial emotional response and the surface of the situation. Impulse doesn’t want us to go deeper. We can avoid this by stepping back, asking ourselves the important questions, remaining patient, exercising our power of discernment and processing everything from ourselves, those involved and the situation at hand.
Speaking of discernment, I also have to work on my habit of eliminating things that do not resonate with me and are not in alignment with my highest good and setting boundaries. Part of me believed that I should allow people to be themselves, even if it affects me negatively. I believed that I was being a bad friend by getting annoyed with my friend’s unhealthy behavior because, after all, they’re not perfect and neither am I. And this is true. We should all accept people for who they are...and that's why we should distinguish when and when not to fuck with them.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized I can eliminate whatever and whoever I believe is detrimental to my mental, emotional and spiritual health. Someone’s behavior and patterns were affecting me. It was hard to ignore the bad energy that lingered around them. They were very negative and started to become someone I did not recognize. My patience was becoming thin and I wasn't sure if I should stay their friend and risk the chance of developing disdain for them. It became such a problem for me that I just stopped all communication. Based on what I already knew, I knew a conversation with them would be pointless and very exhausting.
I used to feel obligated to remain connected to people and circumstances because they were familiar to me and sometimes, I felt like I was responsible for them. Sometimes I’m not sure I even had a reason for it. I’m just glad I changed how I think when it comes to holding on to toxic people and toxic concepts. With my power of discernment, I know when to walk away and when to just be patient. There are many times we just have to set up boundaries with people. You can love a person so much but they’re still not good for you. You can love a person and still eliminate them from your life if they’re behaving in a way that brings you down mentally, emotionally or spiritually.
So, because I’m sure we all love a toxic person or have loved a toxic person at some point, I needed to touch on how I need to work on remaining grounded in myself despite their toxicity. I am such a sucker for letting others affect me and letting outside elements affect me. It’s truly a gift to be able to remain calm from inside out when things are a mess around us. It’s also very important to know when you should walk away, versus eliminating people and things. There are many occasions where we must moderate how much energy we exchange with a person or a thing.
Like for me, I’ve decided—today actually—to cool out on the alcohol. It’s fucking with me but I may save that for a different blog post at a different time. Just know there’s a reason they call it “spirits.”
Just like that friend I had to remove from my life. So much energy was being exchanged and I had to cleanse my spiritual palette, if you will, before things got muddy. We all know what’s best for us, and if you don’t, I suggest you take the time out to examine yourself, your life and your circle.
The situation that inspired this blog post reminded me of an old habit I had of attaching myself to the outcomes of a situation. I was constantly worried about how a situation would turn out then I would be disappointed if it didn’t go how I wanted it to go. I was not very free flowing. Along with this attachment to unknown outcomes, I would become attached to people and how they moved would affect me. I would allow the things a person did and said bother me to the point that my entire day would be ruined. I allowed outside elements to change my mood, affect my appetite, mess up my sleeping pattern—just everything.
I’ve come to understand that how something turns out is not always up to me. I cannot decide that something is going to end beautifully if I don’t have complete control. I cannot always expect things to go the way I want it to go. I had to let go of my expectations for things to go perfectly. But most importantly, I can't expect things to turn out good if I keep making bad decisions and reacting in ineffective, non-progressive ways.
As far as my expectations of people, I had to release my attachment to them so I could eliminate any potential negative reactions. What a person says or does will never reflect who you are as a person. I learned that what someone says about me or thinks of me is not my business. Now, to some this may sound silly and I completely understand. When I read that a long time ago (I do not remember the source, I apologize), I thought it was stupid. I mean, how the fuck is what someone says or thinks of me not my business? It’s about ME! But as time went on, I understood.
I went through multiple experiences of people randomly telling me how they felt about me and I felt responsible for their emotions afterwards. To make things more clear, here’s a story. There was one person in particular who wanted me to be their girlfriend, but I didn’t want to for my own reasons. Later on, I entered a relationship with a different man and he confronted me about it. I remember him saying something along the lines of, “You know how I feel about you” and it was said in a tone that told me: “Brittany, how dare you date someone that's not me? You know I like you. You have betrayed me.” I didn’t appreciate it.
He was attached to me and because he was attached to me, what I did or said affected him deeply. He even believed that what he felt about me was for me to be responsible for and my actions should coincide with that. He believed that I should act with him in mind. I didn’t like that. That experience taught me that how people feel about me is not my business. Because I used to feel responsible for people’s feelings, now I know I am not and I do not apologize for it. What someone else does has nothing to do with us. I am re-learning that everyday right now and I know it’s because I haven’t mastered that concept. I am working on it everyday, as we all should.
Being honest with myself has served me well. So, I advise you all to do the same. You cannot unlearn unhealthy behavior and eliminate toxic patterns if you’re living in denial. I plan to actively monitor these habits and transform them into something positive and progressive.
I am proud of my growth. I am proud of my learning abilities. I am proud of my ability to apply the lessons I learn. I am different every time you see me. Not in the sense that I have a new identity, but I’ve gained more awareness and perspective so now I see with new eyes and walk with better intentions. Old friends tell me that I’m still Brittany, but they can tell I’ve grown. I love that because I take my growth and evolution seriously. That’s why I have this blog. I want to hold myself accountable on a larger scale. I want to tell my story and share the lessons life has taught me thus far.
I also want to leave you guys with this message…
When you are going through your changes, you owe no one shit. You don’t owe anyone anything when you’re unlearning and learning new ways to navigate your life. You don’t have to apologize for believing one thing one day then not believing it the next. It is your right to grow, change and evolve. Keep in mind, though, that you are still responsible for your behavior. Changes are not a reason to intentionally inflict pain on someone or be harmful towards them. Changes are not an excuse to abuse and mistreat others.
If you are truly growing and changing, your circle WILL change with you whether you like it or not. You will always find out who loves you no matter what when you’re growing and changing. You will always find out who wants to be in your life just because they see YOU and love YOU. The people who love you will understand your growth spurts and the side effects. They will not take it personal. They will respect you through the process. They will support you through the process. And most importantly, they will love you unconditionally through the process.
Growth is beautiful. Positive change is good. Your evolution is inevitable so, make it work FOR you. Do not resist. Surrender. Resistance makes shit rough. Surrendering makes shit smoother—not easy—but smoother.
I believe in all of us.
With Love,
From Britt.