If you're a creative of any medium then you'll understand this blog post perfectly. It's very impromptu and I do not know how this post is going to end but hey, whatever works.
I've been feeling very out of whack lately. Last week, the rollercoaster was going up and it didn't seem like I would ever get to the top, but I was fine with that. The constant feeling of ascending and rising, it feels amazing. I was so excited about each day, genuinely. Woke up one morning this week and BAM! I felt like the rollercoaster just dropped my ass.
I've felt this way before. Countless times. It is nothing new, but it is very draining. I don't know if I should call it writer's block or creative's block, or shit, even a life block. I just know that the next few months will be amazing despite that. It's wild. I've always been a vessel filled with repetitive depressive states and sometimes unbearable anxiety, but in the midst of it all, I know that I am going to be taken care of. I know that I will land on my feet. I know that I will remember to breathe. I always blossom. I am forever flourishing.
However, in the moment of these dull, dark, slow moving times, I can't help but think the worst and travel down the rabbit hole of the dark side of my mind. We are our own worst enemies sometimes. We definitely are. We know ourselves better than everyone else. We know what makes us tick. We get on our own damn nerves. It's almost funny sometimes. Like right now. I know I'll be fine but fuck it, I need a moment to complain, scream and rant. That's what life is about. Fuck the facials and the selfies. Fuck the long walks through the vegetation and showing everyone you eat clean (for the gram). Sometimes you have to show everybody that you're having a fucked up day. Sometimes you have to remind everybody that this glow ain't always bright and the bulb ain't always lit. Sometimes you have to let everyone know that it's okay to have a fucked up day. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm just not fine in this moment. But this too shall pass.
Writing became my refuge as a young child and every time I think about the first moment I embraced it, I get a little warm inside. I did not know it was going to save me from myself time and time ago. I did not know it would help me release my demons and blockages. I did not know that it would knock over so many dominoes and chains of events that lead me to today. I'm starting to understand why it's so important for me to do it, as I write this random ass blog post for my readers. When I'm not writing, I feel clogged up. Everything is cloudy and I'm not sure what's in front of me or beside me. Writing is how I heal. Writing is how I see what I feel. Writing is how I get things out and express every emotion that I am made of. Writing is my little pill.
So, maybe that's why I've been out of whack. Not because I haven't been writing, but because I forgot what it did for me.
It's weird. I am an advocate on feeling freely, but then I realize that I still have stages to go through to feel freely myself. I discovered earlier this morning that I have a huge blockage in my spirit and my heart. I know what it is, I know why it's there, but I am not sure how to go about healing it. Maybe I will discover it through my writing.
We'll see.
I love you all so much. Thanks for reading my rambling.
With Love,
From Britt.