Happy New Year! It’s the year 2018!
The last few months have truly been a test of faith and patience. It’s fascinating how many lessons I’ve been reminded of in just a few short months. I have never been more grateful for my pain than I am now. All of the reflecting I’ve been doing has paid off so, I’m going to continue to do so.
The biggest test, however, has been trusting myself. I always know when something is wrong. I always know when people genuinely love and care about me. I always know when people are on the same page as me. My problem comes in when I ignore the bad vibes and convince myself that it’s just my anxiety or my bad habit of projecting negativity.
So, what have I done for the past eight to six months? Give people the benefit of the doubt. Although, in order for me to do this, I had to ignore my intuition and just watch how things played out. Now, do not get me wrong. I didn’t have to ignore my intuition while giving people the benefit of the doubt, but that’s what I ended up doing anyway. I now understand that I can’t ignore one and do the other. It was very exhausting to say the least. I didn’t have the balance. I didn’t know how to let things flow but still keep myself protected. I didn’t know how to give people the benefit of the doubt and detach myself from the outcome of the situation. If anything, I anticipated the outcome and was struck hard when everything would go to shit.
In 2017, I allowed people who did not deserve my kindness, my patience and my love to remain in my life. I let them stay because I loved them and I wanted to be in their lives. I let them stay because I wanted to understand them and accept them for who they are. I accepted every fiber of people who did not accept everything about me. I was shamed for my love of astrology and Beyoncé down to how emotional and sensitive I am—all of it was out of annoyance and lack of patience; I didn’t feel the love at all. I ignored the feelings I got in my gut about them not really fucking with me the way I fucked with them. I ignored the vibes I got in my gut about them actually not wanting the best for me. I ignored all of that shit and wrote it off as anxiety, depression and projecting my own insecurities.
I had to learn the hard way that I need to trust my intuition from the beginning. My heart has been broken in more ways than one and I’m finally seeing that, at the beginning of the year. I am seeing what my poor choices have done to the condition of my spirit and my life all together. Ultimately, I’m in the best place I’ve ever been, but if I break everything down in pieces, I have had a bittersweet year.
You know how they say things have to get worse before they get better? I am a believer. I am writing this at 10:44PM. Earlier today, I received some disappointing news about a man I was in love with and had faith in. I was silly enough to believe one thing but was sourly reminded of another. It broke my little heart, but a huge part of me already knew. I was just waiting for the truth to finally come out. I sipped some peach flavored brandy and sang my face off. It was therapeutic. Then I cried for the rest of the day, listening to all the songs I used to listen to as a lonely, depressed child/teenager, and eventually fell asleep with tears still in my eyes. It was horrible, but it was necessary. I have been holding back tears for weeks now. It was finally time to breakdown.
I cried a lot in 2017. I wanted to leave those tears in the past, but it’s not time. I have to trust this journey I’m on. I broke a huge chain for myself before the end of 2017 and today I realized that it means I have to beaten down just a little more before the fruits of my liberation and emotional/mental/spiritual labor are given to me. I have to continue to love on myself and reflect. There’s still so much for me to absorb and understand about myself, my past, my present and my future. There’s still so much for me to learn and understand about other people. I made so many connections about my life in just a week. It was electrifying! My spirit guides are leading me down an amazing path and they are preparing me, from the inside out. My spirit guides want me to be prepared for this new level of my life on a soul level. I am becoming so strong and intuitive. I am becoming so vulnerable and open. I am becoming so self-aware.
Now it’s time to trust myself entirely.
There’s a feature on Facebook called “On This Day” where they show you everything you posted that day in the past. I have been looking at mine more often and I was comforted by all of the beautiful words I would share with my friends and family. I have always been in tune with my Higher Self. I have always been aware of who I am and what I am meant for—in short, GREATNESS. I know how beautiful I am. I know that my soul is pure and I am a lover before I am a being. I am walking love. I am breathing magic. I am destined for something so incredible, unfathomable—there are no words. I am so protected by my ancestors and spirit guides and I feel it, and have always felt that.
I look at old tweets and see how wise I was, even during the worst times of my life. Pain gave me clarity. I have been given nothing but emotional pain since I was old enough to remember. I remember knowing that I didn’t get the attention I wanted—and needed—from my mother at a young age. I even lied and told her I was being bullied one time just to see the look of worry on her face. It felt good knowing that she cared that I was being bullied and she was concerned. As time went on and I was becoming a young woman, I remember feeling less and less connected to my mother. I couldn’t talk to her much, I couldn’t speak my mind because if I did, it would be a problem. I wasn’t allowed to have a bad day because that meant I had an attitude. I remember feeling like my feelings just didn’t matter. I carried that around with me well into my teenage years and remnants of that pain remain with me as a 24-year-old woman.
Emotional pain has followed me everywhere and into every relationship. I almost let it kill me a couple times. I couldn’t take it anymore and I was ready to give up.
But I’m glad I didn’t because here I am, twenty-four with a beautiful daughter who reminds me every day that I need to live and prosper. I have to materialize my dreams and passions. I have to build something meaningful and beautiful to leave for her when I finally leave. I won’t have it any other way.
I know what I need. I trust myself a lot more now. I am no longer afraid.
I am my favorite spiritual advisor and life coach. I have never steered myself wrong.
So, do you trust you? Are you ready to overcome your obstacles and not let them define you? Are you ready to see just how well you know yourself? Do you trust YOU? Are you ready to follow yourself into healing, beauty, greatness, prosperity, health, wealth—everything you can imagine and can’t imagine?
Believe in yourself. Trust yourself. You know your magic better than anybody else. It’s not all glitter, it’s not all gold, but baby, it’s YOURS and it is going to work in your favor no matter what.
Happy New Year again, everybody. I love you all.
~
With Love,
From Britt
Follow me on Instagram @viametanoiablog and on Twitter @viametanoiablog
My personal accounts are both @viametanoia on Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat.