Becoming a parent forced me to look at myself in a way that I thought I was doing before but really, it was me barely scratching the surface.
Parenthood requires so much out of you that if you’re not ready to leave certain shit behind cold turkey, you’ll suffer and could possibly risk fucking up you and your child’s life. To be blunt. It’s not a game, which is why I completely understand people who know they couldn’t be parents.
If you’re selfish, you’re going to learn the hard way why that won’t work anymore. If you like to live life taking crazy ass risks, you’re going to learn the hard way why you can’t do shit like that anymore. Hell, if you’re someone who is always putting other people before you, you’re going to learn how that won’t work with children. This is why people lose friends/family/spouses when children are born. The child becomes the priority and there are people who simply cannot take it. Sometimes even the child’s own parents can’t take the other parent giving the child more attention than them.
Children create shifts. Children bring change. Children bring out the truth. Children expose patterns. Children make everyone look at themselves. And some people hate having to look at themselves. Children can be “triggering.” Children force you to grow the fuck up. Even if you think you already got shit figured out. Children are here to remind you that you do not.
Some people are immune to this because they’re going to do what the fuck they want anyway, unfortunately.
If you are not ready to change your entire life, having children will be even more stressful than it already can be. I don’t mean just change your habits like cutting down how much you smoke or drink, but even your behavior. You can’t just run away when you get mad when you have children. You can’t disrespect everyone when you’re triggered when you have children. You can’t just drown in your vices and distractions when you have children.
These babies are looking to us to be examples. If we are not willing to change and grow and evolve, how do we expect them to do it? How can we guide them on their journey through life if we aren’t going with the flow of our own?
In the end, it’s really beautiful. Change is beautiful. Growth is beautiful. Having children can bring real healing to us if we’re willing to be honest with ourselves. Our children, I believe, are physical manifestations of our inner child. Take care of your children the same way you wanted your parents to take care of you. Be the parent and guardians to your children that you wanted someone to be to you. Break the cycles. Notice the unhealthy patterns and create new ones. Do better than what you experienced. Do better than what you know. Ask for help if you need it! Parenthood is not something you do alone, although there are people out there who have no choice but to. Raising children requires so many different moving pieces.
The most important piece that it requires is your willingness. Willingness to show up, willingness to change, willingness to be patient, willingness to do something different, willingness to listen, willingness to be helped or helpful, willingness to heal your own childhood stuff so you don’t project it on to them, willingness to be honest, willingness to respect THEM as they are and not how you expect or want them to be, willingness to accept them, willingness to love them, willingness to care about them, willingness to feel your feelings, willingness to understand that they are not your property, willingness to understand that they are not pawns, willingness to be self-aware, willingness to grow, willingness to be flexible, willingness to be soft and vulnerable, willingness to be WRONG, willingness to correct and check yourself, willingness to give yourself grace and your children grace, willingness to improve, and the list goes on.
Willingness is the most important thing. If you are not willing to do any of the required work, becoming a parent will feel like punishment when it can actually be one of, if not THE MOST, amazing roles you’ll ever have in life.
I believe our children choose us, spiritually speaking. Some of us then choose to have them. Honor both of these decisions. Honor theirs by showing them they made the right choice and honor yours by being the best parent you can be and being responsible for the choice you made (if your child was conceived by choice).
If anything, our children are doing more of the guiding and teaching if you ask me. 🥰